Woodlands
by sinemoras09
Summary: Kayneth and Kiritsugu versus Zombies. (Or, the one where Kayneth's trap goes wrong, Kiritsugu expounds the virtues of efficiency, and Saber and Lancer come face-to-face with the Dead Apostles. WIP. AU.)
1. May the Best Man Win

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"Unbelievable," Kiritsugu says, as he hacks at the dense underbrush. "You call yourself a spellcaster and yet you're lost in your own stupid maze."

Behind him, Kayneth glares and huffs, gritting his teeth and pushing through the roots of trees. His hair, which had been slicked back with copious amounts of styling gel, has started to frizz and fall over his face, and that ridiculous blue coat of his - _homemade_ , Kiritsugu notes, _probably designed by Kayneth himself_ \- only serves to make Kayneth stick out even more against the dense greens of the forest.

"You think highly of yourself," Kayneth says. "How do you know this wasn't part of my plan?"

"You trapped yourself in a maze that negates all magecraft. Forgive me if I have my doubts."

"Ha!" Kayneth says. "Little do you know, I can get us out of here anytime I want."

"So why haven't you?" Kiritsugu says. Kayneth smiles.

"I want to make sure you die, first."

"Tch." Kiritsugu turns back, irritated.

Twenty-four layered barriers, three mana generators, dozens of ghosts and evil spirits serving as guard dogs, and parts of hallways opening up into other worlds, Kiritsugu had bypassed all of these by simply blowing up the building.

What he did not account for, though, was that part of Kayneth's maze spilled out into the parking lot.

The concrete opened into a black hole, and Kiritsugu was thrown sideways and ripped from the ground. Kayneth watched, a smug, superior look on his face, and absolutely did not expect Kiritsugu's hand to shoot out and grab Kayneth by the tail of his coat. _"If I'm going to die, I'm taking you with me!"_ Kiritsugu said, and they were both thrown into the blackness.

Now Kayneth puffs his chest out, smiling at him smugly despite the dirt on his face and disheveled hair: "If you are so certain I don't know where I'm going, then by all means, kill me now. But I know you won't," Kayneth says, and that smug grin widens. "You need me more than I need you."

"Ridiculous." Kiritsugu hacks into the brush. "If you didn't need me you would have had your Servant kill me already. But if my theory is correct," Kiritsugu says, and he hacks into another thatch of leaves in front of him, "you need me to help you survive."

"Hmph. By all means, keep deluding yourself," Kayneth says. "I'm merely letting you live to enjoy the show."

("If this is a truce, it is a rather hostile one," Saber says, quietly. Lancer nods.

"Indeed," Lancer says. "The whole of it makes me very uneasy.")

"Lancer! What did I tell you about fraternizing with the enemy!" Kayneth says. Kiritsugu smirks.

"Perhaps you should be glad that your Lancer is taking interest in women other than your fiancée," Kiritsugu says.

("What?" Saber says.)

xXx

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The maze was one of Kayneth's own design: it plumbed the depths of the victim's memories and gave rise to a dimension that opened up into the victim's tortured mental landscape. It could be made of nightmares or bad memories, but in any case it was meant to trap, subdue, and utterly destroy its victims.

Kiritsugu's maze, as it turned out, was some godforsaken no-name jungle with thick, branching foliage and a stifling muggy heat. Even the mosquitos were oppressive, buzzing and swirling around them.

Unfortunately, the very nature of the maze was such that it could cancel out all magecraft and interfere with their mana. As such, their Servants, who would otherwise be indomitable at full strength, were reduced to very human-like apparitions, mere wisps of the Heroic Spirits they were on the outside, trailing uselessly behind them.

But that was besides the point: their Servants shouldn't even be with them, except that Lancer had sensed that his Master was in trouble, and got sucked into the vortex accordingly: Kiritsugu used a command spell to summon Saber, because hell if he was going to be caught virtually unarmed in some crazy trap maze, and after they both slammed against the jungle floor and scrambled upwards to fight each other, neither he nor Kayneth realized their Servants were, for lack of a better word, essentially neutered.

"You can still fight her," Kayneth says, and he glances back at Kiritsugu and Saber, who are walking a few paces behind them. "We can end this all right now. We have the upper hand!"

"My lord, neither Saber nor I can manifest our weapons. We cannot fight until our mana is restored," Lancer says.

"Hmph. You can still make a fist, correct?" Kayneth says.

"Er, my lord?"

"Hit her," Kayneth says. "Or is my Servant so useless he doesn't know how to throw a punch?"

Kayneth watches, growing more and more irritated, as Lancer throws a nervous glance at Saber. _Why is he so nervous?_ Kayneth thinks, irritated. Lancer should have no problem besting her in unarmed combat - he is taller than her and has more muscle mass. In terms of pure physical strength, Saber is at a distinct disadvantage. But for some reason, Lancer knits his brow and presses his fingers together nervously.

"Forgive me, my lord," Lancer says, and his eyes slide upward. "But I cannot hit a lady."

"Oh for the love of-"

"She is small and fair and the wound on her arm makes her unsuitable for unarmed combat," Lancer says, and he glances back at Saber, a worried look crossing his features. "But that is not all, my lord. She is so much smaller than me. I fear one punch may hurt her greatly."

"That is the _point_ ," Kayneth says, but obviously his Servant is too stupid to comprehend even the most basic facts. "She is a Servant! You have the chance to defeat her! Are you really that stupid that I have to remind you?"

"I swear to you, my lord! Saber _will_ fall by my spear! But she is unarmed and wounded, and on my honor I will not engage her in physical combat."

"Well then if not her, go after her Master!" Kayneth says.

"But my lord, I cannot hit her Master! It would be an insult to the lady's honor," Lancer says. Kayneth smacks his hand against his forehead.

"Good Christ, help me!" Kayneth says. "Why, _why_ did that stupid boy steal my relic?! I could have the King of Conquerors by my side right now! But instead I have a wilting Irish flower who's too pretty to get his hands dirty!"

Behind him, Kiritsugu smirks.

"Why are you laughing?" Kayneth snaps. "Without her mana, your Servant is as useless as mine is!" (But Lancer is useless even on a good day, Kayneth doesn't tell him that.)

"You just don't know how to use him," Kiritsugu says. Kayneth snorts.

"Spare me," Kayneth says. Kiritsugu turns.

"Make no mistake," Kiritsugu says. "If I had your Lancer, this war would be as good as won."

"Ha! This coming from the man who summoned the coveted Saber, and doesn't even deign to see fit to use her! Although I'm sure that was a part of your strategy," Kayneth says. "Summoning her first so that no one else could use her. Do tell: the great Kiritsugu Emiya, whose only magecraft consists of breaking things, how _exactly_ would you use my mediocre Servant? His luck is terrible, his stats are hopelessly average, and his agility rank is the only thing about him of merit! And good luck getting him to carry out any of your schemes, he's terrible at following directions lest it goes against his precious chivalry!

But let me guess," Kayneth says, mockingly. "Is it that you're not a proper mage at all, and that the concept of a Servant doesn't even matter? Or would you just use him to fetch you your bullets?"

"Of course not," Kiritsugu says, and he stops and turns.

"I would have him seduce your woman."

"What?!" Kayneth says.

Kiritsugu shrugs and saunters forward.

xXx

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It's true that Lancer's stats were rather average at best, and even though he had A+ agility, his Noble Phantasms were only B-ranked anti-unit types. But Kiritsugu wasn't lying when he said he could win the war with Lancer. All it would take is one command spell: _use Gae Buidhe against all your opponents._ All he would have to do is wound them in one critical spot, before retreating. Weaken the enemy and let the others pick them off for him.

Of course, Kayneth does not have that kind of strategic thinking, instead wasting a command spell during their last encounter.

"You idiot!" Kayneth says. He's yelling at Lancer again - evidently his irritation with his Servant outweighs any concern he may have for Kiritsugu watching them. "I told you already, go ahead and fight Saber!"

"Hm," Kiritsugu says. Beside him, Saber turns.

"Lancer, what is the meaning of this?" Saber asks. Lancer fidgets and glances at her, nervously.

"Ah, well my Master would like us to partake in honorable combat." Lancer doesn't look at her. Saber nods, solemnly.

"Very well. If Kiritsugu is willing, then so am I," Saber says.

"I would rather not until we have the use of our weapons, Saber." Lancer doesn't look at her. Saber tilts her head.

"Why ever not?" Saber says. "If you are concerned about my wound, I assure you, it will not impede me in the slightest."

Kayneth snorts, loudly. Lancer hangs his head.

"What is it?" Saber says. "Do you still have objections?"

"It is just-" Lancer takes a breath, then steals himself:

"It's just that I would not feel right about striking a lady."

Oh boy, Kiritsugu thinks. Clearly Lancer is more stupid than Kiritsugu had given him credit for.

"What did you say to me?" Saber says. Lancer raises his eyes.

"Please do not take offense, Saber," Lancer says. "But as we are now, you are at a considerable disadvantage."

"I am a _king_ ," Saber says.

"Ah, I know, however-"

"I have bested men twice your size and just as agile! My kingship was not handed to me, sir! Do not take my sex to be a disadvantage!" Saber says.

"My lady, I did not mean to offend-"

"But the fact remains you did offend me, Lancer! If you had your wits about you, you would do well to shut your mouth and fight me now! Or shall I educate you on the importance of manners?"

Here it comes, Kiritsugu thinks. Lancer raises his hands and backs away from Saber.

"I beg of you, my lady! Please reconsider-"

"Prepare yourself!" Saber says, and she takes a fighting stance.

"My lady, please-"

 _Whack!_ Saber's fist cracks against the side of Lancer's jaw.

"What-" Kayneth jumps up. "You idiot Servant! Don't tell me you don't know how to _block_?!"

"Fight me!" Saber says.

"I will not!" Lancer says.

"You traipse upon my honor, and now you refuse to fight?"

"On the contrary, Saber! I will not strike a lady who is injured and unarmed!"

Huh, Kiritsugu thinks. Saber barely comes up to Lancer's chest, he really is bigger than her. It reminds Kiritsugu of a very small, stupid dog, yapping and scratching at an equally tall, stupid tree. Kayneth leans forward.

"For God's sakes, Lancer, you daft Irish bastard! Hit her back!" Kayneth says.

"Indeed, you daft Irish bastard, Lancer! Fight me!" Saber says.

" _Saber,_ " Lancer says, and there's a pained look on his face, Kiritsugu can't tell if it's from Saber's punch or if it's from his feelings getting hurt from Saber and Kayneth ganging up on him. _Probably the latter_ , Kiritsugu decides. Beside him, Kayneth rages.

"You halfwit Servant! If you have time to look sad then go on and fight her already!"

"But my lord-"

Saber fist cracks against the side of his face.

Saber seems to have worked herself up into a frenzy, smacking Lancer over and over, trying to goad him into hitting her back. Lancer, being the perennial doormat, just stands there and takes it.

But even a doormat like Lancer has a breaking point: one last punch from Saber and he staggers a little, then stands, a shadow falling over his eyes as his shoulders hunch forward.

"I see that fury clouds your judgment, Saber. I meant no offense, but if fighting you is the only way I can save our friendship, then fight you I shall, and I shall do so at my utmost."

Lancer rises. The aura around him has changed. It's not quite killing intent, but Kiritsugu can read its seriousness anyway.

"Prepare yourself, Saber," Lancer says. His eyes flash and narrow. "I shall fight you with all my strength."

"Finally!" Kayneth says. Lancer starts forward.

xXx

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"Well fought, my friend!" Saber says, happily. "That was an excellent scrap!"

She's sitting on her butt, hair disheveled and a large welt over the top of her eye, while Lancer stands above her, leaning forward and holding out his hand.

Surprisingly, Lancer won the fight. Not so surprisingly, he only did so because Saber had tired herself out by repeatedly hitting him and yelling at him earlier. Saber grins at him as he helps her to her feet. A thin trickle of blood drips down her temple.

"What the hell are you doing, Lancer! Finish her off!" Kayneth says.

"Forgive me, my lord, but I cannot do that," Lancer says. He rises to his full height, and Kiritsugu swears on his life that the background behind him is sparkling: "Saber will fall to my spear, not my fists!"

And Kiritsugu's prodigious English fails to comprehend the angry stream of expletives that spew from Kayneth's mouth.


	2. Something in Common

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 _Idiot Lancer and this idiot forest and his idiot chivalry!_ Kayneth waves his hand at a mosquito buzzing around his face, tries to hit it, then smacks himself instead. _Damn it all! Damn it all to hell!_

"Having some problems there, Kayneth?" Kiritsugu says. The bastard is smirking at him, smoking a cigarette. Kayneth glares.

"Hmph. If you must know, I'm wondering why my beautiful maze has manifested as this miserable swamp. Is your subconscious really that twisted, Kiritsugu Emiya? Or are the rest of your pathetic memories really this miserable?"

"My lord, this isn't swampland," Lancer says, helpfully. "I believe we're in the middle of the tropics."

"I know that, you simpering idiot. Don't you know not to speak unless you're spoken to?"

Lancer deflates a bit at this. Suddenly Kayneth's mood is very much improved.

"Lancer. You mustn't let that man speak to you that way," Saber says. She trails behind them, her left eye still swollen and half-closed from the great punch Lancer had landed on her earlier. "I know that you swore fealty to him, but it bothers me how much he's insulting you."

"You could learn a thing or two from Lancer, Saber," Kiritsugu says. He saunters past her, smugly. "He knows who he's supposed to follow."

"I would have no compunction in following you, Kiritsugu, if you had but one shred of honor," Saber says. Kiritsugu shrugs.

"Lancer follows Kayneth, doesn't he?" Kiritsugu says. Lancer's head snaps forward.

"You would do well to hold your tongue, Master of Saber. I shan't have you speak ill of my lord."

"Relax, Lancer. I wasn't putting down your master," Kiritsugu says, and he takes a puff of his cigarette.

"I was actually putting down you."

Kayneth glances at Lancer for his reaction, but the imbecile just blinks at Kiritsugu, tilting his head and knitting his brow.

"Try not to think too hard," Kiritsugu says. Kayneth rubs his forehead and sighs, loudly.

"This is insufferable!" Kayneth says. "Until _he_ gets to the center of the maze, we're all stuck here! I thought you knew how to track your way through a forest, Lancer! Or is seducing other people's fiancées all you're good for?"

"How will we know when we're at the center?" Saber says. Kayneth glares at Kiritsugu.

"He'll know," Kayneth says. Kiritsugu's eyes narrow.

Darkness falls, and Kayneth and Kiritsugu manage to find someplace suitable to camp. There is a clearing in the jungle near a freshwater source, and Kayneth waits as Kiritsugu manages to hack down a few palm fronds to clear a path. Behind them, Saber and Lancer talk quietly amongst themselves. The forest maze does not easily let them go into spirit form, so for now they stay materialized, helping gather dry leaves for the fire and maintaining the camp.

The truth of the matter is, Kayneth didn't even want Lancer. He was a rush order, a flustered attempt by Kayneth to remedy the fact that his relic was missing. Prior to him deciding on Iskander, Kayneth had cultivated a list of possible heroes who could be Saber: Iskander was one of them, so was Joan of Arc, Edmond Dantes, and Kojirou Sasaki. But on that list, neither one of those names had a suitable relic, and Kayneth had scrambled, finally landing on a boar's tusk and summoning Diarmuid.

And _that_ was a mistake. He had expected a charismatic Saber wielding two swords, not an idiot Lancer waving around two spears.

"My lord, behold!" Lancer says, and he holds out a roasted fish, which he had skewered with a sharpened stick. "Saber and I have procured you your meal!"

"What is that? Is that supposed to impress me?" Kayneth says. "You are a Servant. I expect more from you than this."

"Oh. I thought you would be pleased," Lancer says. "Outdoor cooking is actually a specialty of mine, and-"

"Does it look like I wish to talk to you?" Kayneth says. Beside Lancer, Saber's eyes narrow.

"Do not fret, my friend," Saber says, and she claps Lancer on the back, reassuringly. "If your lord does not wish to partake of our bounty, perhaps my own ungrateful master would."

"Saber, Lord Kiritsugu is your Master, you would do well not to insult him," Lancer says.

"I would sooner recognize Irisviel as my master, Lancer. Kiritsugu is only the one who supplies my mana."

"Ah."

"And there is, of course, the unfortunate circumstance that he also has those command spells. But I am not beholden to him, nor do I acknowledge his sovereignty."

"...I see."

Kiritsugu sighs. "How annoying," Kiritsugu says. Kayneth glances back at him.

"What's this? The great Kiritsugu Emiya a bit perturbed?"

"Don't play the fool with me, Kayneth. I know this whole chivalry thing annoys you, too."

Kayneth regards Kiritsugu a moment. Kiritsugu offers him a stick of fish.

xXx

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Kayneth Archibald is surprisingly tolerable. Other than his blind insistence on magecraft, Kiritsugu finds that Kayneth values efficiency and results almost as much as he does. "My Lancer should have skewered your Saber when he had the chance," Kayneth is saying. He's sitting on a log, staring at the fire in front of him. "But no! All he thought of was his chivalry, chivalry, chivalry! My ears start to bleed whenever he starts talking about chivalry!" Kiritsugu nods.

"It is not your fault," Kiritsugu says. "If the situations were reversed, Saber would be just as useless, too."

"Let me tell you something, Kiritsgu Emiya," Kayneth says. "The only reason Lancer is my Servant is because that simpleton Waver Velvet stole my relic. Lancer's relic was a rush order. I didn't even want him." (Behind them, Lancer's face falls a bit; Saber pats him on the back, reassuringly.)

"At the most, I had hoped I could summon him into the Saber class," Kayneth says, bitterly. "But apparently I couldn't even do that much. It infuriates me, how you have Saber and yet you do not use her."

"My Saber isn't as good as all that," Kiritsugu says. He tosses a branch into the fire. "She's never won a battle and she got wounded by your Lancer. At least your Lancer listens to you! My Saber would stab me in the back if she didn't think that was dishonorable."

"Hmph. At the very least, she thinks for herself. My Lancer would follow a turnip if it could give him commands."

"Maybe that's a part of his chivalry?" Kiritsugu says, wryly. Kayneth snorts.

"There's a reason why chivalry has gone dead in this age," Kayneth says.

"Look, Lancer," Saber says, and Lancer looks out across the campfire. "It appears as though our masters are getting along."

"So they are!" Lancer says. "Perhaps there is hope for them, yet!"

"Look at them," Kiritsugu says bitterly, and Kayneth looks out across the campfire. "Roasting fish and telling stories over the campfire. This camping thing must be fun for them. They forget that honor and glory necessitates the spilling of blood."

"Like wayward children too stupid to know the truth," Kayneth says. Kiritsugu nods.

("I wonder what they're talking about?" Lancer says. Saber shrugs and sets another fish into the fire.)


End file.
